It's All Data: On Listening to Feedback

In my day job I spend a lot of time talking about feedback: both how to give it and how to seek it out. Feedback is one of the best ways we have to learn, to grow, and to get better. It’s all data. And, having said that, I’ve had my fair share of hard feedback moments in my life, both giving and receiving. It rarely feels good. Even at this point, with more than twenty-five years of professional experience (not to mention even more years of just life), I never like hearing that I’m less than perfect. And I know how ridiculous that sounds. Of course I’m not perfect! No one is. And still.

Recently I was on the receiving end of some tough feedback at work, from two different people, on two consecutive days. One I asked for, and the other showed up unsolicited. And both hurt. Even as I can recognize that I am not for everyone (just as not everyone is for me), it hurt my feelings to hear it so pointedly and directly. And after wallowing in that for a bit, I sought out several trusted wise counselors to gather some additional feedback. Because I know when it comes to feedback, it’s never purely objective, not on the part of the sender nor the receiver. Gather additional information. Check your reactions and your emotions. And then decide what, if anything, you choose to do with it.

If you have spent any time studying the writing and querying process, you know that seeking out feedback is critical. Unfortunately, despite the many pieces of advice to pay attention to the feedback you receive in the querying process, in my experience there just isn’t any. If you’re lucky you get a form rejection. What does that mean? You have to seek out other objective voices to give you the news you need to hear. Some things that have worked for me:

• My writing group. I have been enormously fortunate to be part of a terrific writing group for the past couple of years. These people are friends, they are kind, but they also don’t pull any punches when telling me what I need to hear. And that’s exactly the type of writing group you need. If your readers are only telling you everything is great all the time, then you aren’t surrounding yourself with the right people.

• Beta readers. Similarly, I had probably 15-20 beta readers before I started querying. A few them gave me glowing, positive, “I can’t believe you wrote a book” types of comments. These reactions are lovely. But the ones that helped me were the ones that pointed out plot holes, places where characters weren’t working for them, even line edits. The great part of beta reader feedback is it’s generally delivered with kindness and love. These are people who want you to succeed. And the ones you need tell you what you need to hear so that you have the best chance of making that happen.

• Paid editor and agent feedback. Finally, while this isn’t available to everyone, I did seek out some paid feedback. I did a query letter and first pages session with an agent through the Manuscript Academy (and am considering doing another). And I hired a professional editor to give feedback on the query, synopsis, and first pages. Again, not everyone can do this and you shouldn’t have to. But if you can, the nice thing about these people is they don’t know you. They should be kind, but you are hiring them to make your work better, not to make you feel good about yourself. Do your homework and make sure you’re spending your money wisely. Anyone, after all, can hang out a shingle and charge money.

I’ve often said that my many years of professional experience, and all the feedback I’ve received, has well-prepared me for putting myself out there, creatively. First and foremost, I write for me. But the goal here is to send it out into the world, whether through something like this blog, or, ultimately, this novel I’ve written. And that means staying open to and listening to feedback.

I’m not for everyone and neither is my writing. Maybe it will be received well. I’ve received rejections. But if you don’t put yourself out there, out of fear of what you might hear, you might as well not try at all. Remember, it’s about the work, not the person, even when it feels personal. It’s always about learning and getting better. It’s all data, which you can choose whether or not to use. So let’s all make a pact: to try, to open ourselves up to both praise and critique, to listen to the feedback, even when it’s hard. It's the only way to grow.